First of all, this won’t be a bright post. It won’t fit the image I had in my head when I started this blog. I secretly know that this is not the right platform to do this but I want to say a few words that I don’t otherwise have the opportunity to say. This is extremely hard for me, as I am a private person, but I'll do it. So please excuse me as I speak my heart out.
I’ve had a rough few weeks during my time away from the blog. I have a long long list of things I was hoping to post about, but no updates, I just wasn’t in the right mindset. There are some crucial decisions I need to make about my life and I am not particularly good at handling the stress. My beloved ones had their share of the drama, most importantly my family and B.
I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. But I haven’t seen the hardships that some experience in their tough lives either. I come from an idealist, upper(?)-middle class family full of educators. My mom and dad dedicated their lives to providing the best they can for their three girls. I have always been a very good student, and aimed for the highest. I have had my shares of failures but also some notable successes. But I have often found myself competing in an unjust competition, under-armed. I did manage to get an excellent-quality education at private institutions both at home and abroad only on scholarships and a stellar job right out of college but I could have done much better had I the resources I needed. Having to build my life from scratch made me a fighter, an assertive one who can at times get aggressive. This doesn’t justify it, but it is the background story behind it.
In my relationships with my beloved ones, there were times I have overreacted, wanted everything my way, failed to exhibit tolerance, broke hearts and just screwed up. I have felt resentment against people who I thought did not deserve all they got and set a negative mood. I regret every minute of every mistake I have made towards such wonderful people. I am very bad at forgiving myself and therefore have felt excruciating pain every time I realized the effect of my actions. I still do when I think about them. But the thing is, I am human. I have vices. But I also have virtues. I think I am very sensitive, have a very strong feeling of justice, a good heart, I will go out of my way to prepare a surprise, it’s very hard for me to drop my guard but when I do, I love endlessly and will get very badly attached. These are not necessarily awesome, cos I end up very vulnerable, but it’s me. I can’t draw the line when faced with the risk of losing somebody I care about forever, I’ll try frantically not to. This happened a few days ago. It was a wake up call. There is always something you can improve and this is the perfect time for me to do so. I used to expect the first step from the other person always, but I have seen you have to start from yourself first. I used to worry to much about who is right and who is wrong and I am still behind what I think but the thing is, all that is details and right now I don’t give a shit. I could have done so much to better many situations, but I haven’t. I want to make up for it.
So ladies, all the knitting and crafting projects are awesome, really. As I person of projects and an artist myself, I appreciate all of your hard work and creative edge on all the incredibly beautiful things you make, and I have had my share of doing them. But now I am about to take on the most important and difficult project of all. I will become a more positive and less aggressive person. I know it won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight but I know I can do it. I will still need to be forgiven at times because I won’t end up perfect but it won’t be as often. Instead of holding a grudge against all the pain I’ve been through during the past couple of days, I am proud of myself for taking the first step by getting over it and paying an attention to what B is saying. And I really wish he would be proud of me and believe in me too.
B and I are far from being a perfect match. But our love for each other is overwhelming. There where many times my logical thinking told me this wouldn’t work. But when you love you are not supposed to think, are you? I didn’t and at my family and best friends’ much disbelief I refuse to. I am excellent at confusing myself with deep thoughts so I am not going to get into all the philosophy behind it but all I know is I don’t want to lose B. Even if our relationship doesn’t work in the end I don’t want him to get out of my life on such awful terms. I love him. I’ve never loved like I’ve loved him. I feel missing when the strength of his love is not there with me. So now he’s closed himself and won’t talk to me. He says he needs to see a step towards a positive change before he does. As heartbroken as I am with his harsh words, I am willing to make a change because I believe in it. I am hoping maybe this would count?
I’ll reach out a hand and say, B, I can and will do what you ask me to do. If you leave me broken like this, I still will because you are right about what you say. But if you are beside me, as a boyfriend or a friend, either way, I will do much better with your support. Also, I have a feeling that you might be about to make the same mistake you’ve seen in me by turning me down when I come to you apologizing. Please remember that you and I are both human and there will be times we screw it up. I love you and want to be there for you, always.
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